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10 Tips you need to know from a lesbian

Ok, “dudes”, listen up, I’m going to give you some pointers. Why am I helping you out? Because I’m tired of hearing all my straight girlfriends complain about how they want to be with a girl because men suck in bed and don’t PAY ATTENTION to what turns them on. And, news flash, fellas – what turns them on is beyond the bedroom. Now don’t get your panties in a bunch – it’s only your ego. And if you’re reading this and rolling your eyes and telling me to fuck off, then you’re the one who definitely needs to read this article.

Artwork by Mika Mae Jones exclusively for Hegre.com.

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1. Pay Attention!

For fuck’s sake, pay attention! Can you not chew gum and walk at the same time, too? If you hear her breathing getting heavier, faster, or if she starts to giggle, or starts to squirm or twitch – keep doing what ever it is you are doing!
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2. Lesbians know how to use their fingers

If you’re going to use your fingers, for fuck’s sake, don’t make her feel like she is getting molested. Think of your fingers as your penis, or maybe not… Bottom line, don’t just “finger her, dude” – caress her vagina, slip your fingers in and out, don’t shove them in and out. Spend some time in there, gently massage the insides and get a little faster as you see her get worked up – PAY ATTENTION to her reaction and finger it out.
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3. Fucking starts in the morning

As much as you don’t want to hear this, it’s a must if you want to have those spontaneous quickies and weekends filled with sex. What this means, essentially, is do everything you see in the chic flicks she watches, and you loathe. You’re going to have to do things like, kiss her on her forhead before you get out of bed, take out the trash before she has to ask, pour her a glass of wine when getting yourself a beer - you get the fucking point. If you make efforts like these, your masturbating days are over. She will be so fucking happy, your dick will be her joystick.
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4. Don’t use her tits as handles!

Really? I mean come on. You spend all day staring at her breasts like they’re made out of gold then you’re going to treat them like your bike handles when you actually get the privilege to touch them? Either learn to ride with no hands or learn how to handle her breasts. Caress them, tease them, pinch her nipples, spank them even – just don’t grab on for dear life as if it’s your first rodeo. Not sexy!
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5. Stop being selfish – her first you last!

This is the biggest complaint I hear, and I have yet to understand it. It’s a no brainer, really. She WILL notice if you are putting in effort to be there to actually have sex with her, not yourself. In turn, she will put in even more effort, and in turn you will then put in more effort, then she will, then you will until it becomes one big explosion of fuck.
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6. Do more than one thing at a time

This is NOT that hard. Think: chewing gum and walking at the same time… Explore her body with your hands while your penis is having a date with her vagina. Firmly grab her hips and give a little squeeze, bring her leg up to your face so you can kiss her long legs and caress them, something, anything just as long as it’s more than just sticking it in and out while you have two free hands! I mean, are you gay? Why would you not take advantage of being inside her and being able to touch her body at the same time?
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7. Hygiene

If you think this doesn’t matter, think again. I can’t tell you how many times I have been attacked because I “smelled good”, or right after I got out of the shower because I was “so clean”. You want to get laid? Manscape, man! Take a fucking shower! How many times does the old saying have to be said – it’s the little things… that get you laid.
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8. Find her clitoris and show it some love

It’s easy to find and easy to please, so why is this an issue I hear about so often…? Well, if, and when you do find it – be gentle. Start out by lightly massaging it, add a little pressure, move your fingers faster. If you do it just right, you’ll actually find that it feels so good she can barely stand it. And by that time, she’ll just want you to fuck her hard and fast – so the two minutes you do last will be perfect.
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9. Be more adventurous

This does not include sticking it in her ass - adventurous also means creative. PAY ATTENTION to whether she has mentioned wanting to try something new. Surprise her by making a sly move while at dinner. Get the OhMiBod app and tickle her while talking and sipping on drinks. Whatever it is, just be adventurous – trust me, she’ll appreciate it – and she’ll prove it!
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10. Lick it like a lollipop and lap it like a dog

Nope, it’s not one or the other – it’s both! Start out licking it like a lollipop: take nice long licks, twirl your tongue on her clit, suck her clit, give it a little nibble, hold it with your teeth while your tongue gives it a few more lickings. As she’s close to climaxing and pushing your head away from so much pleasure, start lapping her clitoris and entire vagina like a thirsty dog that can’t get enough water - that look in her eyes that you’ve never seen before, is a combination of “Who the fuck are you?” “You must be god sent” and “I am going to fuck you to the point of no return.”

So, if you want to keep those calluses on your hands, keep lying to yourself about why no woman will sleep with you more than once, and keep blaming her instead of fixing the real problem – you – then keep doing what you’re doing. If you want to not only get laid, but get your world FUCKED, follow the steps above. You will be amazed on how many women your one woman can be. She will fuck you like your whore, have sex with you like your mistress, and make love to you like your wife depending on how well you have been PAYING ATTENTION.

Artwork by Mika Mae Jones exclusively for Hegre.com.

Comments

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'10 Tips'
Really crude and aggressive, contradicting and detracting from what may well include some good and sensitive advice.
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guys can be jerks
Thanks for some helpful advice.
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At takes one to know one.
Of course we need woman to tip us about how to please one. Some times i wonder why women even bother about a gender that sexually underdeveloped and haven't gone lesbian each and every one. But thank God they haven't. Thanks for usefull sensible advise. Some we will have figured out already if we are the least bit sensible and caring.
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Lesbian
Ok, “lesbian”, listen up, I’m tired of hearing all my buddies complain about getting sex lectures from angry women.
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Great article
This was a great peice. Me and my wife of 25 years had a good old giggle at its points. I also learned a thing or two. More like this please.
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10 tips, spot on
I found this to be quite informative and also funny. Took no offense to the tone which established a sense of truthful urgency. I'm off to begin seducing my wife now, well in advance of the next sexual interlude!
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10 Angry Tips
Though the information is accurate as far as consideration for your partner, the angry demeaning tone really wasn't necessary. The obnoxious opening paragraph basically set the stage for the angry lesbian to tell all the men how stupid we are. I would consider a rewrite... The eclectic illustrations were great though!
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RE: 10 Angry Tips
Hi djf, I know a tone like this can annoy some people, but I think it was meant to be playful and "come on guys, pay attention". I think a lot of men are a bit 'stupid' when it comes to sex, or at least selfish. Women complain all the time about this, so many men are not doing it right. Which kinda justifies the tone of this piece. I took it as tongue-in-cheek mostly. And I agree with you about the illustrations, they were great – dark and erotic.
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10 tips
interesting input but the way it was written kinda destroyed the otherwise aesthetic and careful buildup of the site.
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Art
Artwork is very nice. Information is bang on.
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Ten things
Even though the information in the article was all correct I did't enjoy reading it. I thought the tone was all wrong. The writer could have done a better job by using a different choice of words. Think of the audience....
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RE: Ten things
Hey kbailey, as a guy I was not put off by the tone. But obviously it's subjective. I think a lot of guys need a more 'aggressive' pull-your-socks-up kinda message to spur them into positive action, to change ineffective or selfish habits. Many women just put up with average, or worse, sexual partners. But I want to be one of those guys the girl is boasting about, not complaining about. Sometimes we all need this kind of 'wake up' message.
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videos
Sex Ed is very interesting and helpful indeed! especially the 10 tips from a lesbian, thank you! What a pitty that videos in this rubrique are not downloadable. Could you make this working? Thanks a lot and please go on with your Sex ED section!
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Sex Ed
I love your new Sex Ed section. Very informative. Keep this going !! You can never know enough about sex.
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Ten Tips
Like the author of this article, I am surprised that so many people - men and women alike - don't know these things.
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RE: Ten Tips
I was thinking about this while reading the article as well. I was reflecting on my conservative upbringing and the negative attitude towards sexuality in my community and realized that it definitely affected my sexual propensity to give pleasure "properly." For some I bet it is really obvious but I for one had to learn the hard way. I'm glad to have come so far.
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spelling
poor wine!
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